Rum and Hentai

New column up at Two-Headed Cat:

By Any Other Name

In other news, godlyperspectiv and grailquestion showed me my first hentai on Saturday. Yes, I lived in Japan and didn’t watch hentai. Why? Squid is part of daily life there, and if I want to sexualize tentacles, I can do it in my head for free every time I go to 7-11.

Besides the dialogue raping my ears like unto a giant grey sorcerer-tentacle-sister-boning cock, I think I may never have sex again. Honestly, I am having some serious trouble getting those images out of my head, because they’re gross and ridiculous and hilarious all at the same time, not to mention violating my feminist brain much in the way the giant sex demon of the pleasure underworld made that chick asplode with his prehensile collapsible red tentacle-cock. I can’t imagine how bent you’d have to be to take this shit seriously enough to get off on it, or what kind of bizarre ideas about human anatomy it must give the kids today.

I forsee a series of NBC-style PSAs for Japan, with a little schoolgirl coming out, bowing to her audience and whispering: “You know what? Semen doesn’t sparkle, you monkeys. Gomen nasai.” And then she would cover her mouth and giggle, and the little bell-chime would ring. The More You Know.

“Get your hips up” is going to be my new catchphrase, though. Like Git R Dun, only with the promise of anal violation. Which, I guess, makes it exactly like Git R Dun. Also? I fail to see how hentai is in any way cleaner than regular porn with hair and nipples and regular, non-retractable genitalia. Japan, a winnar iz you.

Though when buildings have vaginas, I do think you can safely say that comedy has reached its peak.

It was all redeemed by the fact that the three of us kept making Venom Cock jokes throughout the whole ordeal, though. Touched by the Giant Sex Demon of the Pleasure Underworld. Twice.

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