I put on Wall Street this morning–never saw it before, thought I’d give it a shot.

In addition to wincing every time Charlie Sheen says winner/ing, and playing spot the 80s actor, I don’t buy the movie at all.

It’s just completely unrealistic.

Young turk babbles about how he’s gonna make ALL THE MONEY SO FAST and chases down the hottest shot capitalist shark he can find to blow become the new Sith apprentice learn from.

Then he’s all NOOOOOOOOOO. It turns out the shark isn’t very nice! And hates unions! And does illegal things! CAPITALISM MAKES A SAD FACE.

I call bullshit, Wall Street. If we’ve learned anything it’s that no one ever has a crisis of conscience about this shit, up to and including when they get caught. This goes double for young turks–how did you think all the money got made super fast, my tiger-blooded friend? Also, the very first thing you did was an illegal thing concerning your father, so wipe the sourpuss off your face and put on your big moneydevil pants. Sure, Gekko’s not sorry (Geico!), but the point is Bud Fox would never be sorry either, nor would he stop fucking Daryl Hannah, or painting his apartment hilariously powdery turquoise with OMG GOLD FOIL STUCK ON. AHAHAHA80s.

As a gay love story, I can believe in the film. (They sit SO CLOSE in the limos!) As financial thrillerness? No, sorry, how it really ends is everyone gets away with it and everyone else chokes on their dust. CAPITALISM MAKES A HAPPY FACE.

Who ever thought that 25 years later this flick would seem impossibly naive?

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