Fuck the Moose


So I finish up my Palimpsest proposal this morning, and feeling pretty good about life, I go to Caribou, which has always had free, unlimited wireless and in fact still advertises that it does, so as to look up some medieval manuscript terminology and Jane Eyre tidbits for the introduction I’m writing. This is fine.

Except that now, Caribou, in addition to blocking half the internet as inappropriate content, including my own damn LJ, along with the friends list, now has a very interesting definition of “free, unlimited wireless.”

If you do not buy coffee within an hour of sitting down, your wireless is shut off. You can then get an access card if you buy coffee. Irritating, yes, but fine, even though the coffee is crap, no freeloaders, whatever.

Except you must then purchase coffee every single hour or you are cut off again, as each access card, available only with a cup of SHITTY coffee, lasts for one hour.

Now, I work for eight or nine hours a day writing. If I had nine cups of coffee my heart would pop like a zit. Not to mention I would vomit after the third because Caribou and their fucking moose makes awful, gritty coffee. I may not even drink the swill I had to buy to get enough access to post this. And if I have learned nothing else from working in coffee shops it’s that a WHOLE LOT of people work there. They have meetings, sometimes even conference calls, legal consultations (I’ve seen divorces and bankruptcies), job interviews, loan officer meetings, students writing papers, it goes on and on. I think the daytime (9-5) business of any coffee shop is 75% business and 25% students. We work all day, digital bedouins, and we do not like being ripped off every hour just to keep working. If I bought coffee every hour it would cost me between $10 and $40 every single day to work here, and for that price I could rent an office.

So fuck you, Caribou, fuck you and your faux-flannel culture, your pretentious stabs at all other coffee shops as “corporate,” while you shill a nauseatingly pink-packaged Breast Cancer Blend coffee (and PINK FUCKING CANDY, as if I want CANCER CANDY, just so long as it’s pink!) in the name of one your “roastmasters” who just keeled over dead. I’m sure she appreciates the dime you donate to cancer research (their goal is $100k, which buys about two and a half beakers and a cup of coffee in medical research terms) while you pocket the rest. Way to profit from your own employee’s death, assholes. Rest in profit. Oh no, you’re not corporate. You’re a big fuzzy friendly moose. Everyone loves moose!

*seethe* I hate you, Caribou. I have refrained until now from discussing with anyone except my immediate family how much I hate you, but now you’re stiffing me for wireless far worse than Starbucks does, with your $5 coffee on the hour every hour. Why do all the coffee shops suck? I have to drive 20 minutes just to get to a Starbucks with seating in Westlake, and my other options are Camp Hypocrisy and Mac Central, Now with Cool Ranch flavor. I stab everything.

Also? The staff here is so cheery I want to stab myself. They’re the kind who greet the bleary eyed morning telecommuter with a 100 decibel OH HAI! WELCOMETOCARIBOUWHATCANIGETYOU?

“Um, a latte, I guess.”

DO YOU WANT TO MOOOOOOSE IT? (that means add an espresso shot for anyone not working behind the counter of this fascist fucking furry free-for-all)

“Please, God, stop, or I will be forced to kill you right the hell now.”


Good god, I do not require that service industry people be THRILLED and HAPPY to see me and put liquid in my stomach! Chill! Be grumpy, it’s ok! I’m from Seattle, I can take it! And the loudest one has fucking braids like Pippi Longstocking. They violate my inalienable right to be non-vocal in the morning. Do you think they just blurt out “MOOSE IT!” even when they’re at home? I have never seen a company so committed to its mascot.

Sorry, I had to get all that out. There are many things I find irritating about Caribou, but today was just fucking IT.

Damn the Moose, Save the Empire.

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