I have so much frustration right now.
I really should talk to my friends about medication before I take it–they’ve all been on a lot more than I have and know more. Almost as soon as I said something about being on Ativan wednesday gave me the heads-up that it wasn’t right for insomnia. I kept taking it anyway, even thought it helped less and less. But wait! There’s more.
Apparently, Ativan is not often prescribed as a first try at insomnia treatment, rather, it’s mainly an anti-anxiety drug with sedatives. With a notorious track record for tolerance-building and just ceasing to work eventually. But it’s what I was given–how should I know? But my friend W was over tonight and asked about my medication–which I’ve been on for about a month, and it doesn’t help with not sleeping at all really. W said that Ativan has serious cognitive side effects as it’s a depressant, and he’s fought not to be on it in the past, because its depressive qualities last into the next day, interfering especially with creative work. It slows down your brain. And it continues to slow it down after you wake up.
Well, what do I do for a living? Nothing where I might need to be happy, whimsical, imaginative, creative. Where my thought processes need to be nimble. I’m certainly not trying to write a book for children, full of magic and laughter and fun.
I have never been so depressed, anxious, easily upset, or as unable to work creatively as I have been in the last month. It’s been crippling. And I still can’t sleep, the worst insomnia I’ve ever had, and Ativan doesn’t help at all. I have barely been able to work at all, my brain has simply not worked as it normally does, and I’ve had middle of the night panic attacks–something I have never in my life experienced. I’ve assumed that I am just a terrible person and broken and lazy and nothing will ever be right again. It seems a lot more likely that the inappropriate medication I have been on has been fucking with me in a major way.
I’m out now. I took the last of it last night. Of course I’ve been near tears for no reason all day, and have not been able to work. I have an appointment to get something else tomorrow. I’m just so angry and frustrated that I’ve been taking something totally wrong for me that has been undermining me and I didn’t even know. I was just desperate to sleep. This has been a horrible month, one in which I’ve been convinced I’ll never be all right again.
It’s amazing how chemicals can affect you. Of course, we’re just chemicals in a squishy container. Adding or taking away one should have an effect. But we treat emotions as something not chemical, something esoteric that comes from a place other than chemistry. I’ve never been on serious medication. I am not used to thinking about myself in terms of meds-me and not-meds-me.
Oddly enough, my doctor was kicked from her HMO shortly after she prescribed this for me, so I won’t have her again. I don’t know whether to be glad that it’s fixable or furious at this lost time. I’m still messed up and I don’t know how long it will take for a month of meds to clear my system. I have barely survived these last weeks, while trying to keep a happy face on to the outside world. I can’t anymore. And I’m angry at being given chemicals that were never appropriate to my condition, and kept on them for a second round when I told my doctor they didn’t work.
And maybe I’m a little angry at myself for being so strongly affected. I just want to be ok again. I have not been ok. Maybe I can be better soon.
But I still can’t sleep.
Insomnia is such a debilitating, awful thing to live with and people who have never suffered it can’t understand how it leaves you feeling – brittle, on the edge of the precipice, a fragile and close-to-broken girl. But it won’t be the end of you and, more importantly, the end of your creativity. Some years ago I suffered the crippling, middle-of-the-night panic attacks that left me wrung-out and fragile. But I found a wonderful counsellor who helped me through it. And I’m quite sure you will get through it, too. The dark hours between midnight and dawn stretch and contract in the most perplexing and frustrating manner and make you feel so awfully alone. But there are others out there, wandering the hours in the insomniac stupor, like little lighthouses strung across the world. The dark hours are filled with like-minded souls.
Insomnia is such a debilitating, awful thing to live with and people who have never suffered it can’t understand how it leaves you feeling – brittle, on the edge of the precipice, a fragile and close-to-broken girl. But it won’t be the end of you and, more importantly, the end of your creativity. Some years ago I suffered the crippling, middle-of-the-night panic attacks that left me wrung-out and fragile. But I found a wonderful counsellor who helped me through it. And I’m quite sure you will get through it, too. The dark hours between midnight and dawn stretch and contract in the most perplexing and frustrating manner and make you feel so awfully alone. But there are others out there, wandering the hours in the insomniac stupor, like little lighthouses strung across the world. The dark hours are filled with like-minded souls.
Hope you feel better. It will improve as the meds get out of your system. If it helps at all, I work with a lot of people who have sleeping problems/insomnia, and what seems to be the most effective treatment is a decent dose of Benadryl. It might be worth checking out, I do know it’s non addictive and should not have any prolonged effects.
Hope you feel better. It will improve as the meds get out of your system. If it helps at all, I work with a lot of people who have sleeping problems/insomnia, and what seems to be the most effective treatment is a decent dose of Benadryl. It might be worth checking out, I do know it’s non addictive and should not have any prolonged effects.
Treat it as a scouting trip on the dark side. In my experience coming off things like nasty bouts with the flu or injuries, one earns a healthy respect for those dealing with chronic pain and more serious conditions. Insomnia and depression sound similarly debilitating. You want your body/brain to behave one way but it just goes ahead and does something else:”Here, have some pain!” I think you’re making the right choice in stopping medication, since those side effects sound like they’re compounding the problem.
Provided you do find some relief, you’ll come out feeling better than normal. Those first days where your legs/lungs/emotional centers/whatever work right are filled with magic. Add that to compassion and life sings.
IANAD buuut I do know that the “bag of chemicals” thing works both ways. It is possible to trigger certain responses from your body. Smiling, thinking of lemons, altered breathing, jumping jacks, etc. I’d prescribe sunshine and dancing. If you haven’t already, you might also take a look at a program called f.lux which alters your display based on the time of day.
I hope you get to feeling better, and more like yourself, soon.
Sadly, many doctors just throw chemicals at their patients, and even more sad, too many don’t listen to their patients. Trying to find the right medication for me took way too long; many “bad” medications that left me feeling creepy, hollow, wired, zombie, and/or brain damaged. But I have found one that lets me feel normal, that is to say, like myself, with all the ups and downs one should feel when appropriate.
When people tell me about their struggle to get a medical practitioner to listen and believe they have this pain or that problem, and some have struggled for years, I feel so angry and frustrated. I know it is not an uncommon occurrence.
I hope find something, medication and/or other, that lets you be you. You and your work are important.